ALLAN THE MAN

by Sass Rogando Sasot

Dear Miriam Quiambao,

Congratulations on standing up for the truth given by God in the Bible! Literally interpreting the Bible is what we should really do. The word of God is the word of God. Those who believe in God shouldn't doubt the Bible: each word in the Bible, each punctuation mark, each syllable was written by the owner and creator of the universe, period. I love your zealous and unwavering faith that everything that the Bible says is true and that we should follow it.

I know that we should take the Bible as it is. There's no doubt that God forbids cross-dressing; Deuteronomy 22:5 says that. Leviticus 18:22 implies that homosexuality is an abomination to God's eyes as well. But I'm having some problems with other verses in the Bible. Please help me with what to do about them because, just like you, I want to live my life in accordance with the word of God.

1. According to Genesis, God only created men and women. Nothing else, no one in between. Just either men or women. Now, Genesis 1:5 says that God created only evening and morning. There was no mention about afternoon, dusk, dawn, midnight, the blue hour, etc. As a literal follower of the Bible, how should I regard these "other" parts of the day? To borrow your own words, are they the "lies of the devil?" Why do we have these abominations? Is God testing my faith?

2. I'm so confused about what to wear now, Miriam. I feel that I'm such an abomination in the eyes of God. You know why? Detueronomy 22:11. God clearly and literally forbids wearing clothing made of fabric that are combined together, such as wool and linen woven together. I have lots of clothes made of combined fabric. What should I do with them? Should I change my wardrobe and burn all these clothes, just like how God burned Sodom and Gomorrah? Miriam, please promise us, in the name of the Truth contained in the Bible, that you will never ever wear such clothes! Moreover, Deuteronomy 22:12 says that we should place tassels on the four corners of the cloaks we wear. Why didn't your evening gown during the Ms. Universe pageant in 1999 have any tassels? Was this a flaw in the design? Or was the gown designed by the devil? Oh my God, Miriam, please burn that gown now, as that is not something God wants you to wear! Save your soul, sister!

3. I'm so disturbed by how marriage laws in our country work, Miriam. Clearly, this country will rot in hell. Why? It is not following Deuteronomy 22:13-20. We should include virginity tests for women before they get married. And if it's proven that these women are not virgins, we should stone them to death just like how Deuteronomy 22:21 recommends! Miriam, please tell me you were a virgin when you married your husband!

4. I want to share the truth of the Bible to my neighbor, Miriam. Here's the case: The woman's husband died recently; and they have no children. Deuteronomy 25:5 clearly says that in situations like this, the woman is only allowed to marry her brother-in-law. They are not following this. Should I go to them and share to them this Universal Truth so that they can follow what the Lord wants?

5. Miriam, I wonder how we can implement Deuteronomy 25:13. It says that we shouldn't have two different weights in our bags. Can you share to me the weights of the contents of your bag?

6. Leviticus 1:14-17 says that the smell of burning dove and pigeon is an aroma pleasing to the Lord. I tried to burn doves and pigeons yesterday as part of my daily routine in pleasing God but my neighbor stopped me. He said this is cruelty to animals. Can you help me pray over my neighbor's soul so he can finally see the Truth?

7. I'm very troubled by the presence of Lydia's Lechon in our neighborhood. Leviticus 3:17 clearly says that we must not eat any fat. Can you support my petition against Lydia's Lechon?

8. Why do people go to dermatologists, Miriam? Isn't this a clear violation of the word of God? Leviticus 13:2 is clear: When it comes to skin disease we must go to a priest, not a dermatologist.

9. One of my neighbors is poor. I advised the father of the household to sell one of his daughters as a slave so they can have money. He told me that I was insane. I told them God clearly allows this in Exodus 21:7. How much do you think he should sell his daughter for?

10. Miriam, why do people work on the Sabbath day? Exodus 35:2 clearly forbids this. Should we start putting them to death as the Bible recommends?

11. A lot of Filipinas work as domestic helpers in other countries. Most of them are beaten by their employers. Should we condemn their employers or should we just allow them to be beaten up as long as they can get up after a day or two, as what Exodus 21:20-21 wants us to do? It does say, “If a man beats his male or female slave with a rod and the slave dies as a direct result, he must be punished, but he is not to be punished if the slave gets up after a day or two, since the slave is his property."

A friend of mine told me that these words should not be taken out of context. I told him, No! These words are the words of God and they apply in every context, at all times, everywhere and every time, as God's words are eternal. Deuteronomy 26:16 is clear about this: "The Lord your God commands you this day to follow these decrees and laws; carefully observe them with all your heart and with all your soul." When I told him about that, he told me that God is shit. Oh dear, that comment ended our friendship. And I'm now actually planning the time and place where our entire barangay can stone him to death as recommended by Leviticus 24:16. Would you like to join us in fulfilling what the Lord our God wants us to do? Where can I send the invitation?

I'm looking forward to hear from you.

Let's defend every word in the Bible!

Your number 1 fan,

Melody

*An adoptation of the "Dear Dr. Laura Schlesinger" letter
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What is your reaction about this issue? Is Miriam Quiambao too insensitive to tweet that? Or she's just saying the truth? 

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